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on October 13, 2013 I’ve found myself in a very vulnerable place in the past few months. I’ve been faced with some realizations with life lately. I’ve always wanted and tried my best to be the person that goes out of my way to offer my friendship and support to people who I think might need it in their own times of weakness, but one thing I don’t usually do is reach out when I need help, especially emotionally. I might talk about my situations openly with people, but I try not to ask much of people, because I realize that people have their own things going on & their lives are probably filled with more important things than my emotional roller coasters… This is the one time in my life though that I haven’t been afraid to reach out to people because I knew I just needed emotional support and love in my life right now to get me through the next few months. I hit a wall the other night though, and it’s frustrating… It’s frustrating, because I KNOW there are people who want to be there for me, but because this is such a unique situation, that there isn’t one individual that I know yet personally that can help me through this. I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m looking for someone to be emotionally connected with me during this situation. Wes is great at providing everything I could possibly need, but he *and many other people* in my life aren’t as emotional as I am, so it’s hard for me to have that sort of connection that I need because it’s very much an emotional experience for me… Then, there are other people who are fantastic at distracting me and keeping me from thinking about the situation, but once I get alone, I’m still left with dealing with my own thoughts and struggles right now… Then there are the people who are emotional like me and want to be my support, but they still can’t completely understand what I’m experiencing. I feel like I’m at a point where I need at least one person in my life that has gone through basically what I’ve gone through, because right now, it’s honestly a very lonely feeling.
No one can truly understand the physical exhaustion that comes with thyroid issues, and the internal changes and the fact that from day-to-day, you never know how you’re going to feel, until they get your medications straightened out (which can take years for some people I’ve read). I’ve been feeling like it’s coming across as I’m being a bad friend, but right now I’m trying to find the happy medium between staying too busy (to keep my mind busy, so I don’t allow myself to get down in the dumps) and completely secluding myself and not doing anything right now (which there are days that I have, where I just want to do absolutely nothing, because I don’t have the energy for anything). I truly feel like there is no one in my life right now that could possibly understand this (and I would never wish these feelings or this situation on anyone). It’s really no one’s fault. It’s just something I’m struggling with and I’m trying to find my own way of dealing with these feelings, but it’s a very lonely feeling honestly and I’m truly struggling with this. I try to put on a happy face, because I want to be a positive force for other people, but I’m human and I have bad days & I don’t want to put on an act about it. I wish I could truly be happy and energetic every day, but that’s just not happening right now. I’m doing what I feel like I have to do, to keep moving forward and not allow myself to get into a negative black hole, but it’s hard, especially when I get alone with my own thoughts. I start to allow the “what if’s” to take over my thoughts. Lately, I’ve found myself praying more so for peace of mind that everything will be okay for me in the end, over anything else. I apologize for this not being upbeat. I just want to be real. I hope that if someone else reads this & is going through the same thing, that they can feel like they aren’t alone. I’m thinking about getting into a support group, to maybe help me not feel so alone in this situation. In the meantime, I’ve been in the process of planning a Thyroid Cancer benefit concert for Saturday, December 7th at the Listening Room in Nashville to raise money for awareness & research. I feel like no one really prepared me for the emotional side of going through this situation, so I’m hoping that by doing any event like this, that it will help someone else.
I apologize for being a “Debbie Downer”. I feel like I probably haven’t been writing lately because this has been on my mind so much, and I’ve been really hesitant to share these thoughts & feelings with people, because my goal with starting my blog in general was to show the positive “meant to be” side of situations. I’m hoping now that I’ve gotten this out there & off my chest, that I can move forward and can be positive again. I hope that by putting this out there, that it will help ME find the positive side of feeling these emotions.
