Recovering

Recovery from my recent thyroid cancer removal surgery has been one of the hardest things, emotionally and physically for me to deal with. I am starting to feel more like myself, but I still have concerns, especially since I’m having to play “the waiting game” until near the end of the years, when they will finally do a full body scan and see if the cancer is gone. I can’t live in fear for the next 4 months, but I’m still terrified, because even though I took all the appropriate steps, I still think “What am I going to do if the tell me I have cancer still or that it has spread?” I’m still just not feeling 100% and my incision is still painful, which not something I expected this far after my surgery and radiation. I’m wondering if the dosage on my thyroid medication is the right dose or not, and it feels like I’ve tried everything for relief, but I’m still in pain and it’s concerning me. I know it takes time to heal from something like this, and even though I decided not to let my situation control my entire life, it has been tough, and until I get have a good visit at the end of the year, I’m still just consumed with what I’ve gone through over the past couple of months. I worry every day about the fact that I could go back to my doctor at the end of the year and that they might find that I’m not okay. I hate living in fear everyday, but it’s still scary to have some unknowns.

I’ve been struggling the past few weeks emotionally since my husband went back to work after being here with me for 6 week after surgery. I am left with my thoughts and worries and a little bit of loneliness. I’m an independent person, but having him around during that time, being with me through the hardest part, was really nice… but now that I’m left alone during the day, I allow my situation to consume me and I try to stay distracted and busy, but sometimes it’s impossible to shake the “What if it’s not all gone when I go back in a few months?” feeling and it terrifies me. I’m a generally positive person, but I’m having a hard time being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel in all of this just yet. I know it all happened for a reason, but sometimes I find myself asking God “Why?” “Why me?” “Why cancer? I’m still so young.” “What did I do to cause this possibly?”

I get consumed with these worries because I can’t see the end in sight just yet. I haven’t quite been able to see what the point of going through all of this is. I trust that God knows what He’s doing and I know there is a purpose in this, but I can’t quite see what that is YET. I feel like some days I’m fine and the other days, I find myself falling apart & I can’t seem to get out of that thought process.

I really try to be positive and I apologize that this entry isn’t the most upbeat, but I’m scared. I have lots of support, and that helps, but it doesn’t necessarily change the outcome of my condition. Please pray for me, pray for peace of mind for me, pray that I can continue to trust that God will only give me what I can handle. Right now, I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of all of the unknowns. & it’s scary.  I know that I will probably get through this, but please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

I have heard this song over the years, but I can honestly say that it is a song that I found new meaning and hope in for my situation. I try to stay positive and music is always my outlet to help me express my feelings and emotions when I don’t have the right words to express it. My struggle isn’t over, but music can heal the soul at times. I wish I had the talent to turn my struggle into a touching song for someone and hope that it can help someone. I hope that this blog does help someone at least though.

I pray for anyone who might have their own struggles right now, no matter what they are. I know God will get me through this, but anything that can help… whether it’s a friend, a spouse or even just a song, cling on to that. These things can be your strength, when you’re climbing through what feels like might be an endless struggle.