Friendship: Honesty, forgiving & giving too much

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    I fully believe that everything is meant to be and that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes we just can’t seem to clearly see the reason why some things happen at first. I have been in friendships and relationships in the past, where I felt like I looked back at them and thought “What was the point of that?” Now, being more self-aware and added to the fact that I am a very spiritual person, and trust that God knows what He’s doing in my life, I can typically see the bigger picture of “Why?”

    It seems like I have a pattern when it comes to not only previous relationships, but also in my friendships as well, that I give & forgive very, very easily, and it’s often to people who need me & are more than willing to take & take, but not willing to give a little in return. It seems like it would be a good thing to be giving, but often times, I’m the one left alone, knowing that I did everything I possibly could have done, but yet there was no final resolution, except that it is the end of the relationship or friendship with that person. In my life, I have always been drawn to people who need me around, instead of want me around, and as soon as they get what they want from me, that’s the end. I thought as I got older that things would get easier… and they have, to a certain degree, but I often times look around, and I find that no one else is there for me, when I need it. People want instant forgiveness, but they also want complete & immediate acceptance of when they mess up in a situation and for you to just be okay with their actions or just “get over it and move on”, but yet, they will do absolutely nothing to stop the pattern from repeating, or even attempt to be an adult and try to work the situation out. After one of my longest friendships ended, I realized I had been giving so much into that friendship, that once I looked around, I realized I hadn’t put as much into my other friendships as I could have, because it consumed me. This is like a romantic relationship… So many people want to put their relationship with their significant other in a neat little box and keep it & protected. They tend to distance themselves from others. They don’t go out alone without their spouse or partner, and they never have separate activities from one another. But why? I have been judged more than once for going out with a friend (a girl) to sing a little karaoke and then going home, because I’m married and I “should be home”.

    I think I realized that you can’t keep your relationships closed up in a nice little box all the time, once I started dating Wes, and maybe it had to do with the fact that we lived 2,000 miles away, so all we had were words and honesty and communication to rely on from the very beginning, but even still, if there is ever an issue of any kind, we talk everything out (even when it isn’t something the other person wants to hear), and we never go to bed angry. Yes, we still have fights, but we work through them. In the process of all of this (and the type of friendships ending, that I mentioned earlier), I realized…  Honesty is the best policy, but when people can’t handle their own “truths” about themselves, they instantly write you off as being a bad person, or place the blame on you completely & take absolutely no accountability for their own actions, even if your heart is in the right place and the point of talking to them about an issue, was to help your friendship/relationship grow into a stronger one. If you’re completely honest with one another, then there is no need to shield your relationships from outside sources. If you do allow outside people in, as long as you’re truthful and good and “behave”, then why can’t you know each others facebook passwords, let the other person pick up your phone if it goes off, let them go out to lunch with someone of the opposite sex without you, or even talk openly about the issues you’ve faced together with other people… If you have nothing to hide, then what’s the harm?

    If you’re giving and loving, people automatically think you have an ulterior motive, but for me, I’m the type of person that I give as much as I possibly can (because it makes me feel good to be able to help someone in some way), until someone hurts me too many times and then I cut them out completely, for my own sake, because I have nothing else to give, but then I feel guilty for it. People are selfish as a general rule, and then there are other people who give too much, and give at the expense of their own happiness. Where is the happy medium? For me personally, I’d rather be a giver that could walk away from a situation and be able to say “I did everything I could possibly do for this person”, than to wonder what else I could have done to fix it. I really wish I had a point in writing this, other than to vent, but I’ll end this with a quote and by saying this…  Although, some friendships are only meant to be for a little while or to teach you a lesson & they might be fun while they lasted, I’d rather be in someone’s life for a LIFETIME, than a REASON or a SEASON. We need to learn to be better friends and to be open and honest, not only with other people, but ourselves as well. If you can’t learn from your mistakes, you can’t grow as a person. You need to figure out who you are as a person, before you look for a friendship or a relationship to make you whole, and you need to be able to say “I’m sorry. I messed up”. and to also be forgiving and accept those apologies, when they are given.

“People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.”

This may seem like an unusual blog for me. I apologize, but this topic was on my mind. I hope it helps someone else!

Be honest, giving, and forgiving. That’s all you can do. The rest is up to them!


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  1. Reply

    I need you and want you in my life. 🙂

    • Wes
    • August 21, 2013

    Honesty and communication are the only way. 🙂

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